Will I Ever Change?

I’m still amazed and annoyed at my ability to purposely ignore the dying state of the strangers around me.

Last year one of God’s themes for me was “In the fire, you will find me.” So I found myself praying for glory and fire like He showed on Mount Sinai in the Bible.  Which I think may have been good for that season.  But it seems He’s trying to show me that it’s more.

I was at the bowling alley with my friends, and one of them decided to choose a song on the Jukebox.  She chose the popular song by Eminem Love the Way You Lie.  That song has always made my heart ache, because it’s almost like I can feel the pain as she is belting “Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that’s alright because I like the way it hurts…”  I can almost see her reaching and crying out for a man who ignores her pleas, and so just living in the comfort of the pain instead.

Later I went to the snack counter and got some food.  The lady there seemed extremely stressed, and I could tell she needed hope and peace.  Of course I thought about trying to tell her about Jesus.  But I chose to just be really kind, which does some good but probably won’t change her life.  Her night just kept getting worse and worse as she kept burning herself on the hot oil and she would exclaim “IF I BURN MYSELF ONE MORE TIME THEY’RE GOING TO NEED TO FIND A NEW COOK!!”  I went back to my bowling game.

Even later, on the drive home, I was showing Jay what used to be my theme song.  Suddenly it all came together as Starfield sang “There’s a world outside that is burning while I’m turning blinded eyes, while I stand by…”

It was like a voice came into my head…as the Eminem song began to play in my mind again, something said “She’s not singing to an unfaithful lover, she’s singing to YOU.  You have the hope that will heal…are you just gonna stand there and watch her burn?”  Moreover…I saw a physical manifestation of it because as that song was playing, I was watching a hopeless girl burn herself over and over again.  Just gonna stand there and watch me burn.

In the fire, I will find You.  Perhaps that doesn’t just mean in the fire of glory…but when we rise up and be who we’re called to be, and reach into the flames to pull out the hopeless ones.  That’s where we’ll find Him.

God I’m still so far from that, help me please!

 

I’m Always On His Mind

Dear God,

You made me smile…I’d say You don’t know how happy it makes me to know that You’re thinking of me…but You do ;)   While I’m singing to you about us running together, I see two deer running through the trees…almost like a gazelle, like my name…almost like Much Afraid of Hinds Feet on High Places going with the Great Shepherd…almost like all the gazelles and does of the fields in Song of Solomon…almost like You and me…almost like Your reply.  Then the thunder…You know its my favorite, and You gave me a big one.  And of course with the shooting stars…how You move Heaven and Earth and Creation to speak to me…and how I appreciate it.  You are relentless, and I love You.  Expand my capacity.  Good night, please increase my intimacy with You even as I sleep, so when I awake in the morning I may be satisfied with Your likeness.  Don’t leave me to my own thoughts, but take over, especially since I seem to always be in Yours.  I love you….

Sincerely,

Little Me

I Don’t Think it’s Done Yet

Your ways are higher than mine

And Your gaze is what I’m longing for

Come be vulnerable with me

And take me deeper than ever before

Let’s hold on another’s secrets

Like lovers hold their hands

Let Your heart be held in mine

So I may begin to know and understand

I’ll be Your instrument of peace

And Youll be the soother of my fears

I’ll shed a tear simply because of love

And You’ll keep tell me You’re forever near

These things, who can understand?

But I don’t mind a little mystery

For if I could figure all of You out

It would be no different from painful history

Israel…

I have a Father, and He is the highest king of the land.  I also have a big brother, in line to reign and receive the inheritance of the entire Kingdom when my Father chooses to pass it on.  It is his birthright, and I love my brother like any sibling should.  However, as time went on, my big brother went astray.  He kept leaving our kingdom to mingle with the lesser, wicked kings.  He began to scorn our Father and his birthright inheritance…and began to show that clearly if he should reign, it would not be responsibly.  He would bring ruin to the Kingdom and its people.  In a way he had turned from the family name and disowned us.  How I watched my Father’s heart break!  His firstborn child, His pride and joy, the one to carry on His reign…throwing away his inheritance.  But there was a flicker of hope in my Father’s eyes yet.  When my brother refused to come home, my Father came to me.  Putting a ring on my finger, He told me that now the inheritance had passed on to me.  He even slaughtered a pure white lamb to seal the covenant with blood.  Of course I melted in complete gratitude and amazement, for it is something that never should have come to me.  An honor that was never really meant to be mine.  At the same time, my heart still ached for my brother to come home, to be restored to the glory of our family name.  It hurt me to see him being so low when he had royalty in his veins.  But this I knew, because my Father told me…He hasn’t given up on my big brother, and knows with all his heart that soon he will come home.  Though he may return in shame, we will run to him and put a ring on his finger and he will be restored to our family, our name, and our beautiful inheritance that was meant to be his all along.  However, the great thing is…because of this covenant, I get to keep the ring on my finger as well.  What has been given to me because of his fall will not be taken from me, but instead we shall walk into our inheritance together.  There will be a great party when he returns, with great glory and light and celebration, when he finally decides to arise and shine…when his light comes.  And through this I have learned that my Father is a merciful and just king…He does what is right and keeps His covenants, but is also full of grace.  Should I fall, I know that there is a ring waiting for me as well when I return…

May This Be Truth…

Daddy I’m here, singing in Your grace

As all of my fears are going up in flames

A Prayer

Overwhelmer, overwhelm me, so You in me overwhelms

Oh great Lover, show Your love for me, so You in me overwhelms

Atmosphere Changer, won’t You change me, so You in me changes everything?

Delight

Isaiah 42   Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights…

Hey God…it looks like we have some things in common!  My soul delights in that Servant too, I love Him lots.  And though I know He chose me first…He is my chosen as well.  I’ve chosen to live my life with Him…and that makes me happy.  Him, in whom my soul delights. Our souls.  Mmmm.  Our soul.

Sincerely, Tab

Control or Trust?

So lately I’ve felt a little…destroyed…broken down.  But one of those “in a good way” sorts.  Once you think you’ve finally really got life down and you’re going to tell everybody else how to do it…He reveals what you really still have inside.

Ever since last Sunday in brokenness I have been seeing things still amiss in me, and today I read something that gave it what I hope is the final blow, though I’m sure there is more to come.  Every few days another thing is revealed to me.  A lack of hearing God, and so a lack of acting on His word.  An unhealthy need for control.  A lack of trust (I guess those kind of go together).  Then today my dear ESV study Bible, mixed with Isaiah, mixed with the Holy Spirit completely owned my face off.  It was in Isaiah when they are talking about bad alliances made with people Israel should not have trusted in if they were leaning on the all-powerful God, and the question is posed “should the potter be regarded as the clay?”  Should the creation think they have better ideas or bigger problems than the Creator?  Then in the study notes it has this little tidbit that hurt my heart

“Rather than demonstrate a forthright openness inspired by trust in God, the leaders of Judah are reduced to the secrecy of underhanded human politics. For them, the sovereign God might as well not exist.

Owwww!  It reminds me of a quote my dad always tells me, “Worry is a mild case of atheism.”

Ugh, but its so true.  If I truly believe that He is there, He is Sovereign, He is powerful, and He is LOVE…I would trust completely.  AAAAAAAaaaaaah….

Lord have mercy on me and let me get over petty fears so I can trust completely, because I believe in You and Your sovereignty.

You Make All Things Work Together For…

Hmmm.

Lately I’ve been feeling that I’ve got it all wrong. That everything is a lot less about me than I thought.  That I have centered my so called praise around myself somehow. And that God was worthy before I was born or the earth was created.  Here’s what’s messing with me:

One of my favorite songs is Never Fails that I first heard from Jesus Culture.  It is a beautiful picture of His love, and I think it is a great song to bring you closer to Him since He is love.  However, I have always felt a little weird singing “You make all things work together for my good” in the middle of a worship service.  Just a little twinge I guess, but it makes me happy at the same time.  Now I think I have discovered why.  I was reading in my Bible, and I know this is probably just the difference in translation and maybe neither are wrong, but my Bible says this in the scripture they derived that line from:

Romans 8:28  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.

Notice that the word “my” is completely absent, and His Purpose is completely present.  I think that comma makes a big difference, because I think it is a lot less Him working things together for our good…than Him working through us for His good.  To bear fruit.  But I mean, I guess if we truly love Him, that is the only good we would desire anyways.  In the study notes of my Bible it adds this: “God weaves everything together for good for his children.  The “good” in this context does not refer to earthly comfort but conformity to Christ, closer fellowship with God, bearing good fruit for the kingdom, and final glorification.”

Oops.  I think I have been worshiping what He has and will do for me instead of who He is.  As I’ve been singing our modern worship songs lately (don’t get me wrong, I love them, really I do) I’ve been realizing that something is often missing, because…God would be worthy even if He never made me.  Even if He never saved me.  Even if He never sacrificed one thing for me.  He is still so glorious, so powerful, so awesome…that He would still be worthy of all praise.  He is still beyond comparison and so high above all else…sheesh.  It’s a whole lot more about His kingdom coming than my comfort.

Tears of the Sun

Dear Africa,

I love you.  Or do I hate you?  Because I ignore your suffering.  I think my life is ending when I spend one night outside in 45 degree weather in a cushioned pine needle bed and a plastic bag.  But you are getting raped and chased through the forest.  They are killing your children in front of you.  In fact…children are killing your children in front of you.  They are cutting off your lips, noses, breasts…  I know no suffering.  And I lay in my comfy blankets and gorge myself on food and cuddle with my family.  But this I say to you…thank you.  Thank you for showing me true relationship with Jesus.  True thankfulness.  True forgiveness.  True strength.  Thank you for opening my heart again.  I feel again because you broke me.  May it last longer this time, till I have a heart for you…the heart of Christ.  I love you, but I hate you…because how badly do you have to hate someone to not give them salvation you have…spiritually or physically?  Lord have mercy…and send me.

Sincerely,

Your spoiled little girl in America…

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